Internalizers - How Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents Cope
You constantly analyze whether something you said came out wrong. When someone in your life is upset, you immediately assume it’s your fault. Even when everyone tells you things are fine, you feel like an imposter about to be exposed.
If this sounds like you, Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson has a name for it: you’re an internalizer.
Once you understand what that means, everything starts making a whole lot more sense.
What Is an Internalizer?
In her groundbreaking book Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents, Dr. Gibson describes internalizers as people with rich inner worlds who turn inward to make sense of everything.
You’re thoughtful. Self-aware. You love learning and understanding how things work, especially yourself.
But the same trait that makes you introspective also makes you anxious. You over-analyze everything, constantly second-guess yourself, and feel overwhelming guilt and shame when you think you’ve disappointed someone or exposed too much of yourself.
Why This Happened to You
Although sensitivity is likely an innate personality trait, being an internalizer is the result of a highly specific type of programming.
When you’re raised by emotionally immature parents, you have no choice but to learn that your own needs never come first. Instead, you learn to constantly be reading the room to avoid conflict. You suppress your feelings to keep the peace, and often take responsibility for other people’s emotions.
As a result, you turn inward. You become so focused on everyone else’s needs that you lose touch with your own. You become an expert at self-neglect and lose touch with who you actually are.
Your Hidden Strengths
Reading the list of its shortcomings, it might be hard to believe but being an internalizer isn’t actually a bad thing.
It’s true that it comes with anxiety and self-doubt, but it also fosters some beautiful attributes. If you’re an internalizer you’re likely also:
Deeply self-aware. You know what makes you tick and what you need to improve.
You’re open to growth. You constantly want to understand more, be better, do better.
You’re empathetic and kind. You can feel other people’s pain and truly want the best for them. You are the one doing the small things to help that most people don’t.
Once you learn how to manage the anxiety that comes with being an internalizer, these treasures become your superpowers.
The Pattern You Can Predict (and Change)
Dr. Gibson explains that once you understand your basic traits, you can predict how you’ll react in almost any situation.
“You have a couple of basic laws of how nature works, and from that, you deduce all this other stuff that can’t help but be part of that.” — Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson
Think about it:
If you love learning and understanding, you probably overthink decisions
If you’re highly sensitive to others’ emotions, you probably people-please to avoid conflict
If you constantly analyze yourself, you probably struggle with imposter syndrome
These patterns are predictable. Which means they’re changeable.
When you see the pattern clearly, you can interrupt it. You can choose differently.
The Exercise That Changes Everything
Dr. Gibson recommends a simple practice:
Make a list of your personality tendencies.
Write down things like:
- “I replay conversations for days”
- “I feel guilty when I say no”
- “I worry I’m not as capable as people think”
Then ask: What does this tell me about how I see the world?
For example, if you’re always obsessing about how someone perceived what you said or did, ask yourself: Where did I learn that I had to be perfect? Or that it was dangerous to be myself?
Reflecting on your patterns in this way allows you to anticipate how you might react in various situations and begin working on approaching them with greater authenticity.
In time, you start to realize: “Oh, I’m doing that shame thing again. That’s not about what I did, but about how I was raised.”
From Understanding to Change
Seeing your internalizer traits for what they are, the unavoidable outcome of being raised by emotionally immature parents, is the first step in transforming those patterns from pains to strengths.
But understanding alone isn’t enough to overcome the impact of our parenting. We need specific strategies to set boundaries, heal our anxiety and silence the voice inside telling us we’re not enough.
That’s what we set out to do in creating the Healing From Emotionally Immature Parents Course. In the course, Dr. Lindsay Gibson goes beyond explaining why we feel this way and uncovers how to change it.
In taking the course, you’ll access:
Exclusive video interviews where Dr. Gibson explores the struggles of adult children of emotionally immature parents.
- 8 guided lessons to help you understand and reshape your patterns.
- Private audio workshops on boundaries, guilt, and moving forward.
- Practical tools you can use immediately to reduce anxiety and build genuine self love.
If you see the internalizer in yourself and are tired of overthinking, feeling guilty for having needs, and worrying that you’re secretly a fraud, this course will help you chart a new path for yourself.
-----
Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson is the New York Times bestselling author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Her work has helped millions understand and heal from childhood emotional neglect.