Speaking Your Truth To Aging Emotionally Immature Parents
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Your parent is getting older.
You know you “should” make peace before it’s too late. Everyone says so. Forgive and forget. They won’t be around forever.
But every time you think about having that conversation, your stomach drops.
What if they deny everything? What if they turn it around and make you the bad one again? What if you finally say what you’ve been holding in for years—and nothing changes?
Or worse: what if they die, and you’re left with all this anger and guilt, wondering if you should have said something sooner?
If you’re wrestling with this, you’re not alone. And according to Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson, there’s a way through this that doesn’t require you to either stay silent or blow everything up.
The Impossible Position You’re In
Many adults find themselves in this delicate position: caring for aging parents who never fully met their emotional needs.
You want to be authentic. To finally say what needs to be said.
But you also don’t want to hurt an elderly parent. You don’t want to be cruel. You don’t want regrets.
“There’s a desire to be authentic and yet there’s a desire not to hurt the parent.” — Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson
This heightened empathy—the thing that makes confronting these issues so hard—is exactly what makes you different from them. You care about their feelings even when they didn’t always care about yours. That’s you being the emotionally mature person in the relationship.
What “Being Authentic” Actually Means
Here’s what most people get wrong: they think being authentic means sitting their parent down and telling them everything they’ve done wrong.
Dr. Gibson offers a different path:
“To be authentic could be actually very quiet, it could be a letter, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you sit them down and tell them in no uncertain terms what they’ve done to you.” — Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson
Being authentic doesn’t mean being confrontational. It means being true to yourself—which might look like:
- Writing a letter you never send
- Setting boundaries without explaining your entire childhood
- Saying “I’m not available for that” without justifying yourself
- Choosing distance as self-protection, not punishment
When They’ve Already Passed: The Anger That Shows Up Late
Sometimes people discover Dr. Gibson’s work after their parent has died.
And suddenly, everything clicks into place. You finally have words for what happened. You finally understand why you’ve struggled for so long.
But now they’re gone. And instead of relief, you feel rage. And guilt. And confusion.
“Why didn’t I figure this out sooner? Why didn’t I say something? Could things have been different?”
Dr. Gibson acknowledges this painful reality:
“It is human nature to try to find the point at which you had control and you didn’t act on it.” — Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson
But here’s what she wants you to know: those feelings, while intense, are a normal part of grieving.
You didn’t fail. You weren’t weak. You did what you needed to do to survive.
“We can grieve that, we can feel guilt about it, but when you start torturing yourself with it, I just beg you to remember these things.” — Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson
4 Ways to Speak Your Truth (Without Blowing Everything Up)
1. Start Small and Specific
Don’t try to address 30 years of hurt in one conversation.
Pick one small, specific issue. Propose a brief, time-limited discussion: “Can we talk for 10 minutes about how we handle disagreements?”
This makes it less overwhelming for both of you—and gives you an exit strategy if things go sideways.
Example:
Instead of: “You were never there for me emotionally.”
Try: “When I was upset as a kid, I felt like I had to handle it alone. That was really hard for me.”
2. Ask Questions Instead of Making Accusations
Emotionally immature parents shut down when they feel attacked. So instead of statements, try questions.
Instead of: “You always made everything about you.”
Try: “Do you remember when I was going through [specific event]? What do you remember about that time?”
This gives them space to reflect without immediately going into defense mode. Sometimes—not always, but sometimes—it opens a door.
3. Focus on Your Healing, Not Their Admission
If your healing depends on them finally admitting what they did wrong, you might be waiting forever.
You can process your pain through:
- Journaling
- Therapy
- Creative expression (art, music, writing)
- Courses like Healing From Emotionally Immature Parents that give you practical healing tools
You don’t need their validation for your experience to be real. You don’t need their apology to move forward.
4. Find Support From People Who Get It
Trying to heal in isolation is incredibly hard. Especially when you’re dealing with grief, unresolved anger, or guilt about how you handled things.
Engaging in therapy or supportive communities can provide the perspective and coping strategies you need. Talking with others who understand what it’s like to have an emotionally immature parent can be profoundly validating.
You’re not alone in this. And you don’t have to figure it out by yourself.
The Truth About Timing
There’s no perfect time to have this conversation.
If you do it now, they might not hear you.
If you wait, they might not be around.
If you never do it, you might feel regret.
If you do it and it goes badly, you might feel worse.
Here’s what helps: Stop trying to control their response. You can’t.
You can only control:
- Whether you say what you need to say (in whatever form feels right)
- Whether you protect your peace
- Whether you give yourself permission to grieve what never was
- Whether you move forward even without their acknowledgment
You Don’t Need Their Permission to Heal
Whether your parent is still alive or already gone, whether you’ve confronted them or stayed silent, whether they apologized or denied everything—your healing doesn’t depend on what they do.
You can grieve what they never gave you. You can be angry about what happened. You can wish things were different.
And you can still move forward.
You can build a life where you no longer apologize for wanting what every child deserves: safety, empathy, and connection.
What Comes Next
If this article resonated with you, Dr. Gibson’s course Healing From Emotionally Immature Parents was designed to help you navigate exactly this.
You’ll learn:
- How to set boundaries that don’t require their agreement
- How to process anger and grief without torturing yourself
- How to give yourself the emotional repair you never received
- How to move forward whether they change or not
Because here’s the truth: You can’t change them. But you can change how their past impacts your present.
Thousands of adult children have used these strategies to find peace—even when their parents never changed.
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Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson is the New York Times bestselling author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Her work provides guidance for those navigating complex relationships with emotionally immature parents.