Why Does My Parent Never Apologize? (Even When They Know They Hurt Me)

You try to explain what it was like.

You try to share the pain.

And instead of a real apology, you get:

• “You’re exaggerating.”
• “I never did that. ”
• “That’s in the past, why can’t you just move on?”

Or worse: you get nothing but silence.

If you’ve ever tried to confront an emotionally immature parent about how they hurt you, only to be met with denial, anger, or defensiveness, you’re not alone. And you’re not crazy.

According to Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson, emotionally immature parents often can’t apologize because acknowledging it would mean facing a level of emotional intimacy they are wired to avoid.

Let’s break down why that happens—and what you can do about it.

1. They’re Defending, Not Listening

When you say “You hurt me,” what an emotionally immature parent hears is:

“You’re a bad parent.”

And that’s not a reality they’re willing to sit in.

So instead of opening their heart, they activate their defenses. They minimize, deflect, or make it about themselves:

• “I did the best I could.”
• “You turned out fine, didn’t you?”
• “I must be the worst parent ever.”

With these types of parents, it’s all about protection. Confronting the reality that they deeply hurt you would expose them to shame. And shame is an emotion they are not equipped to handle. So instead of sitting with it, they throw it back at you.

2. They Can’t Tolerate Emotional Intimacy

A real apology requires presence, vulnerability, and empathy. It means slowing down and tuning into someone else’s inner world without needing to defend yourself.

Emotionally immature people don’t do that well.

In fact, when their child cries or expresses real emotional pain, many emotionally immature parents become hostile.

They say things like:

• “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.”
• “Don’t be a baby.”
• “You’re too sensitive.”

Your distress makes them feel things they don’t want to feel. Your emotions feel like an attack, so they push back even harder.

This means that if you’re hoping for a moment of shared truth, for the kind of heartfelt apology you’ve needed for years, you should know that, most likely, their system simply isn’t built for it.

As Dr. Gibson puts it: asking some parents for empathy is like handing a child a copy of Ulysses and expecting them to read it. They simply can’t. Their mind doesn’t work that way.

3. They May Genuinely Believe They Weren’t That Bad

One of the most painful things a survivor hears is:

“It wasn’t that bad.”

Sometimes, it’s a conscious lie. But most often, it’s what your parent truly believes.

Because they’re not comparing their behavior to what you needed, but to what they survived.

If they were beaten, neglected, or emotionally abandoned by their own parents, they assume that since you had it better by comparison, you had it easy.

Of course, this doesn’t excuse their actions, but it does mean it’s possible their emotional yardstick was once broken and never recovered.

4. You’re Hoping for Repair From the Wrong Source

If your healing depends on getting them to admit the truth, you may be stuck waiting forever.

According to Dr. Gibson, many adult children of emotionally immature parents carry a healing fantasy, a deep longing for the moment their parent finally sees things for what they are and says, “I’m sorry. I messed up. You didn’t deserve that.”

And it’s okay to want that.

But when you make your healing dependent on it, you hand your freedom to someone who may never grow.

The truth is, you can grieve what they never gave you and move forward without their acknowledgement or acceptance.

What To Do Instead

1. Stop arguing with their version of the past.

You know what happened. You don’t need them to validate it for it to be true.

2. Grieve what never came.

Apologies. Accountability. Emotional presence. Let yourself mourn those absences fully. That’s what allows release.

3. Give yourself the repair you needed.

Through writing. Through therapy. Through guided courses like ours.

4. Set boundaries that don’t require their agreement.

If they don’t apologize, you don’t owe them closeness. You don’t have to keep explaining yourself. Distance isn’t a punishment. It’s self-protection. And you’re not asking too much by wanting someone to say, “I see how I hurt you.”

But the truth is, the person you need it from may never be able to say it.

But that doesn’t mean your truth isn’t real.

And it sure as heck doesn’t mean you can’t heal.

You can stop waiting. You can build a life where you no longer apologize for wanting what every child deserves: safety, empathy, and connection.

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Moving Beyond

If this article put words to something you’ve been feeling, the Healing From Emotionally Immature Parents Course was designed for you.