Emotionally Immature Grandparents
Dr. Lindsay Gibson on setting limits with your own parents for your child’s sake, and being the one your child can talk to afterward.
“It's good practice for you as a parent to take care of your child in a way that nobody took care of you.”
Dr. Lindsay Gibson answers listener questions for the Academy Of Self Help. The section that this page covers begins at 17:13.
You get to set the limits
As a parent, you always have the right and the responsibility to protect your child from behavior that could harm them. As Dr. Gibson says: “Everybody gets to set boundaries or limits on other people’s behavior toward their kids.”
That includes your own parents. It may be extremely uncomfortable, and they may respond with manipulation, but your first responsibility is still to your child and to what you believe is good for them.
When a grandparent's behavior may call for a limit
These examples are drawn from the emotionally immature patterns described across this site. Use your own judgment about your family.
Mocking or dismissing your child's feelings (“you're too sensitive”).
Using guilt to get your child's time or affection.
Making your child responsible for the grandparent's mood.
Comparing your child with siblings or cousins out loud.
Ignoring rules you've set, and treating the rules as a personal insult.
Talking about you in front of your child in ways that put them in the middle.
Your child comes home quiet, clingy or upset after visits.
When they react to limits poorly.
When you set a limit with a grandparent, Dr. Gibson says they’ll often be “extremely hurt and indignant.” She compares it to being caught in a rainstorm: you don’t have to take it inside yourself. They may think you’re terrible for doing it, but that isn’t your problem to solve.
They probably won’t accept the limit at first, because they’re used to getting their way. But if you hold your ground over time, some emotionally immature parent may calm down and accept it somewhat, even if imperfectly.
Be there for your child
You can be the person your child comes back to after a visit that worried, hurt or angered them. Dr. Gibson calls this being their “compassionate witness.”
Compassionate witness
You listen to what happened and let your child know there's nothing wrong with them.
- Holds and validates their feelings
- Names that the behavior wasn't good
- Offers to speak to the grandparent
- Plans with your child what they want to do next time
Don't put the child in the middle
“Oh yes, let me tell you what grandma did to me.” Dr. Gibson warns against putting the weight of your own history with your parents on your child as they may not be emotionally ready to carry it.
- Don't shift the focus to your own hurt
- Don't ask your child to take sides
- Don't leave them feeling that their own experience has gone unheard
For most adult children of emotionally immature parents, Gibson notes, putting the focus on the child's feelings is “a completely different scenario” from the one you grew up with, and that makes it an incredibly valuable practice.
Putting it into practice
Our suggestions, in roughly this order.
- 1
Decide your limits ahead of time
Choose them before the visit, while you're calm.
- 2
Discuss with your partner
If they're your partner's parents, decide together what your boundaries are.
- 3
State your boundaries simply
“We don't comment on the kids' bodies. If it happens, we'll leave early.” No case history or long discussion needed.
- 4
Check in after visits
Ask your child an open question about how they feel or what they experienced, then listen.
- 5
Adjust as you go
Loosen or tighten the limits based on what you see in your child.
Frequently asked questions
Should I tell my child their grandparent is emotionally immature?
A label rarely helps a child. Describe the behavior instead: “Grandpa said something unkind, and that wasn't okay.” Your child gets the truth about what happened without being asked to judge the person.
Is it okay to limit visits, or stop them?
Dr. Gibson leaves that call to you: you decide whether a grandparent's behavior is within acceptable limits. If you're weighing less contact with your parent overall, the family estrangement guide covers that decision.
What if my parent says I'm keeping their grandchild from them?
That accusation is a common form of the pushback described above. You can acknowledge their disappointment and keep the limit: “I know you're upset, but this is what we've decided is best for our child right now.”
Who is Dr. Lindsay Gibson?
Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson is a clinical psychologist and the author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. This page draws on her answers in an Academy Of Self Help listener Q&A.
Parenting differently than you were parented?
The Healing From Emotionally Immature Parents course helps you understand what you inherited, so you can choose what you pass on.
Related Guides
How to Raise Emotionally Mature Children
Repair, limits, and parenting after an emotionally immature childhood.
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
Signs, the four types, and a full roadmap for healing.
Disentangling From an Emotionally Immature Parent
Compassionate detachment, triggers, and caring for an aging parent.
Family Estrangement & Going No Contact
Accountability, grief, and choices about contact.