The Emotionally Immature Partner
Dr. Lindsay Gibson on why adult children of emotionally immature parents are drawn to emotionally immature partners, the first sign to watch for, and what to expect in a fight.
“When we feel what's happened to us and we recognize the dynamics of it, then we have a choice when we get involved with people as adults.”
Dr. Lindsay Gibson answers listener questions (Academy Of Self Help). The discussion for this topic begins at 9:09.
Why familiar feels right
When we look for friends and partners, we look for people who make us feel comfortable. Comfort usually comes from familiarity: a personality or a way of behaving we already know.
If you grew up with emotionally immature parents, Dr. Gibson says, you can be drawn toward people who are like that: egocentric, rarely think about their own behavior, and show little empathy.
Signs you're with an emotionally immature partner
Remember: emotional immaturity comes on a wide spectrum. Not every sign will apply to every person.
You feel like you have to watch what you say and do so you won't set them off.
Disagreeing, or offering another point of view, gets an oversized reaction.
Not giving them constant attention registers as a slight.
Their reaction can be explosive or subdued. Attacking, withdrawing, and turning cold are some of their most common behaviors when triggered.
They express their feelings through hurtful behaviors and rarely talk them through.
Conversations circle back to them, and they rarely, if ever, take accountability.
Their feelings dominate the environment.
Dr. Gibson says the first giveaway is hypervigilance. You start watching yourself around your partner because you’ve learned that they can be highly reactive. You often feel like you’ve “stepped in it” when interacting with them and are forced to have a plan for how to keep it from happening again.
That vigilance is a transfer of responsibility: managing their emotions has quietly become your job. But as Dr. Gibson says, “That’s their job - to handle their reactions and feelings and then communicate to you about it.”
The Empty Apology
An emotionally immature partner may apologize or take responsibility, but Dr. Gibson says it’s often done “in a kind of a learned way”: they know it’s the thing to do, so they do it.
Learned behavior, not connection.
They say the right words, but they aren't truly sorry for what they did and they never make you feel connected or that they truly understand and appreciate how they've hurt you.
- They offer the apology because it's expected, not because they mean it.
- They're desperate to skip the honest conversation and move on.
- You never quite feel like the relationship has mended.
Repair and reunion
In a mature relationship, both people are honest about the problem, get it into the open, and share their feelings respectfully.
- For this to happen, both people have to be vulnerable.
- When it happens, both come out of it feeling better and closer.
- But that requires a depth of intimacy Dr. Gibson says emotionally immature people “cannot stand for very long.”
Why the relationship starts to feel lonely
Without real repair, keeping the peace falls to you, and that gets to feel exhausting. You begin feeling less like an equal partner and chronically unseen.
Dr. Gibson calls the emotional loneliness that follows “one of the biggest tip-offs in a longer-term relationship with an emotionally immature person.”
What helps
See things for what they are
- 1
Name the resemblance
Notice where your partner's reactions echo either your parents or theirs.
- 2
Track the self-editing
Notice when you soften or rehearse something before you say it, and the guilt or fear you feel when doing so.
- 3
Take a shot at actual repair
If it feels right, ask once, plainly, for the honest conversation after a conflict. Then observe how they respond.
- 4
Get an outside view
A therapist or trusted friend can confirm what you're feeling is legitimate.
- 5
Reflect on what it's doing to you
Dr. Gibson advises you ask yourself whether this setting is one where you can “grow and flourish,” or one that will always exhaust and drain you.
Who is Dr. Lindsay Gibson?
Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson is a clinical psychologist and the author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. This page draws on her answers for the Academy Of Self Help.
Frequently asked questions
How do I deal with the guilt I feel?
The important thing is to recognize that no matter what they say or do, you're entitled to protect your energy and peace of mind.
Learn how to interact with immature people and release the guilt and shame.
Is an emotionally immature partner the same as a narcissist?
According to Dr. Gibson, "all narcissists are emotionally immature, but not all emotionally immature are narcissists."
What if their reactions include yelling, threats or violence?
Your safety comes first. In the U.S., the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. A therapist can help you plan from there.
Recognize a parent in your partner?
If these patterns trace back to how you were raised, the Healing From Emotionally Immature Parents course goes further than any single article can.
Related Guides
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
Signs, the four types, and a full roadmap for healing.
People Pleasing & The Fawn Response
The six archetypes of fawning, and reassurance vs. validation.
Codependency
The five patterns behind it, and control vs. detachment.
Disentangling From an Emotionally Immature Parent
Compassionate detachment, triggers, and caring for an aging parent.