Surviving Toxic Families as a Teenager or Young Adult - Dr. Sherrie Campbell

Tell me about your high school experience and how it was related to your home life. I would never want to relive high school, ever in a million years. Um I was a really unhappy kid. I was not doing well my first couple of years in grades. Um I was ditching school. I was angry. I was very rebellious against everything that had kind of happened um in my life. And I just had a really hard time valuing myself. And then boys and all of that, it just it just furthered my self-worth into the ground quite a bit. Um and I didn't have support. You need parents that can allow you to have your boundaries, but to also really embrace your independence from them.

Toxic parents find independence to be very anti-family. They don't really want you being independent. They want you to be under their control. And many, many toxic parents expect you to sort of just know how to do it. Like they'll say things like "You're 15. You should know." I I don't know what magical creature comes in and beams you down at 15, 16 that suddenly you just know. You should just know cuz you're an age. That's not how parenting works, right? My mom used to be like, "You're 16 years old." Like I don't know what magical thing is supposed to happen when I turned 16 cuz like the day before I was 15.

But now when I'm this age, you expect all these things from me, but you don't show you what those things are. And now you're angry at me that I don't know. A lot of that happens in toxic parents. They don't want to put a lot of effort into parenting you. They just want you to go out, be perfect. Get good grades, be pretty, be athletic, be these things, be 16, don't need me for anything. Be responsible. Well, if you're not modeled any of that stuff, you're not going to be able to do it. Then you're going to feel like a failure. What happens to a teenager's body and spirit when they're living in a home that doesn't feel safe? What does that state do to them physically and emotionally? You know, teenagers have a very high suicide rate.

Dopamine is very, very high. And so risk-taking behavior is strong, and the prefrontal cortex is shut down. So thinking is not very fluid. It's very black and white. So all parents should know this, cuz what happens to the teenagers, they shut down. And then they're going to find ways to feel seen. And one of the quickest ways to feel seen is to do something bad with other kids that don't feel seen. And then suddenly you fit in somewhere, but with all the wrong people. And I think it's sad, because I think it all starts with the parenting. Um with the exception of, you know, if your child has an Axis I one bipolar disorder or something like that, that is not the topic of this discussion.

Um when the poor parenting is there, and you aren't making your kids feel encouraged, there's too much criticism, there's high expectations with no role modeling, there's no structure set up for these children, and you just expect them to function on their own, they're going to shut down. They're going to also going to feel like nothing they do is enough. I don't think that you can love anyone too much. I don't think you can compliment someone too much. I think you can give too many things to someone. Those things don't replace love. There's no way you can spoil a child with love. Give love. If you're If If you want that, that's all kids want. You know, they care so much less about the things than the love.

And um I do think there are many parents that believe that if I love them too much, they're going to be spoiled or they're going to be pansies or they're going to be arrogant bizarre orthogus. You cannot love a child to not just have awesome. If I'm a teenager in a house without love, what do I do? Survive. That really is your only choice. So, when I work with teenagers, I reframe all the skills they have for survival to be under their own mindful control. So, I change the word people pleasing to gray rocking. And now there's a strategy behind it. They look exactly the same.

But people pleasing is going to come from fear and obligation. Gray rocking is going to come from strategy and self-protection. Even if they look exactly the same, but you can name something different. The whole mindset changes. And then I think there's times that the teenagers really going to have to set boundaries. Um Toxic parents tend to dig into their private life. One of the gifts I had growing up is there were no cell phones. The only thing my mother could get in was my diary. She did. Um but I can't imagine a parent having control over my phone and my location. So, sometimes you do have to feed into the dysfunction or collude with it because they're going to take your car, they're going to take your phone, they're going to take everything away from you that gives you independence.

So, there are ways to keep it. How do you see social media and just having phones in general impacting kids, young people today in a way that didn't show up before? I think it's I think it's so scary. Um because I think teenagers compare themselves to other people anyway in sort of a merciless way. Um and I think that the way that photos aren't even photos any or they're all they're all manufactured. You can tint them, you can you can get filters, you can do all this stuff now. I I think there's an unreality around physical body. Um what your life is really like online is really likely not what your life is in private.

So, I think there's a distortion of comparison I think is really daunting to the self-esteem. Like all these kids keep each other on location. The kids know where their friends are on location. I think that can be like you can feel betrayed because your friend went here and not here. I think it's I wasn't invited. Everyone's in this picture and I wasn't invited. So, I do think it's it's it's created so much more to deal with than they really need to deal with. Is there an upside to it, especially for kids who have very toxic home environments to be able to check out and be online with friends? Absolutely.

Absolutely. And I think that there's value to having Snapchat if you really are feeling like you want to have a private conversation about your parent without their knowing. Imagine nothing in to express anything about what's going on with you at home because your parents are going to dig through all of your stuff. Like, for example, I know a teenage boy and he was starting to look online to like see girls. 13, very normal. Very normal. They all had the parental controls. It was all set up so he couldn't see much of anything. But the mom was nosy and uh went through his phone and basically told him he was going to be a sex addict.

Grounded him from everything for a month and I'm like, "We just missed the best opportunity to have a sex conversation." Like, I would rather have my daughter learn about sex through me than porn or something online. Um she shamed him. So, all of this stuff to me is very sad because to me there was a golden opportunity to talk to that boy about. Let's talk about sex. You know, if you're open as a parent, they might be embarrassed at first. But my god, they'd rather be embarrassed in front of you if you're open about it. And so many parents are just very closed down about very normal, natural human desires.

And if they can tell you, they're going to be a lot less rebellious. Right? So, I think parents should have those conversations. Find the opportunities to have them instead of shaming. It seems like there's a lot of parents who don't have a friendship in any way with their children. They don't see that as their role. Is it a part of the parental role to be a form of a friend? Yes, the way that I look at it is I'm friendly with my daughter, but mom is always there. So, it all comes down to respect for me. If you really respect your children, they will inherently learn to respect you in return. You should really enjoy your children.

Children love to feel that they're enjoyed. Parents that don't think about that is very confusing to me. Parents see their kids as things that they have to direct. And that these kids are just should just somehow by osmosis know exactly what behaviors are appropriate for their age. How many parents think about do my children enjoy me? Do they feel like they bring me joy? Do I bring them joy? Do my kids feel that I love them? Do they feel that I care about them as a friend? Do they feel like I'm interested in Do they feel like I think they're good? Your kids should always think that you think that they're wonderful people.

Do children owe their parents respect or love or forgiveness? Absolutely not. None of them. If you don't respect your children, they're not going to respect you. If you don't love your children, show them them love actively, they will not know how to love you. They won't like you in fact. And if you're mean to your children and you don't change your behavior, they don't owe you any type of forgiveness. No. You don't own your child. Obey is very authoritarian. It all comes down to respect. If you respect their child, your child, they will come to respect themselves. And when someone respects themselves, they have respect for everyone around them.

Right? So, obedience is is is control. It's chemical, it's control, it's not love, it's expectation. What does parentifying a child do to them as an adult? Well, you make some adults way too soon. Um I definitely know what that experience is. Um I was on pins and needles feeling like I had to regulate the moods of my parents. Or just completely absorb to them like water bend around all their wounds. Um and it was exhausting cuz I never got to even care about my own. When a young person starts seeing their family clearly for the first time and naming the abuse for what it is, what does that process of awakening usually look like and what should they be prepared for?

I think anger is usually the first feeling cuz you have been pressing that anger down. Uh not knowing that you could ever have a name as an outlet to let that out. So, I think we feel really disappointed and really angry at first cuz anger really is a secondary emotion and it will protect sadness. Sadness comes a little bit later down the road as you really get into the mechanics of how it really affected you and has paralyzed you in certain ways as a person. But the initial thing is sort of a very justifiable anger that you were wronged for so long under the guise of that's parenting.

Abuse is not parenting. What about romantic relationships? How do teenagers, young adults avoid getting into ones that hurt or traumatize them more? I don't know that that's avoidable. Unfortunately, I think that it's a very natural process to be very attracted to what is unresolved. What I think is is we pick partners kind of thinking in some sense very unconsciously if someone like that could change for me then it will cure the fact that my parents couldn't. So, we're sort of out looking like well, if you could change for me and you see my value enough to change for me, then that heals all my wounds.

But, it just doesn't. And no one is going to change for you in that way cuz the wound isn't theirs. It is yours. So, if you're choosing someone that is wounding you and we're all human. So, there's no perfect relationship out there. But, you really got to look at statistics. You know, if you are 90% unhappy most of the time you're not in a healthy relationship. But, they're a good mirror for you on where your work needs to be. And I I would take that's very easy to say he did this or she did that. Like I get it and they probably did. But, it's your wound that is awakened.

So, what is that wound? And is this someone you want to keep in your life? You don't want to sort of like pray for them to stop wounding you. You have to realize like I love this person and I want them to not wound me, but they keep wounding me. Maybe I should choose different. Because abandonment then comes in. You know, as as a child that grew up like me, I can break up with someone and feel abandoned by them. Cuz just any loss would feel tremendous to someone like me. So, I think that we stay in relationships that are unhealthy for too long uh because as keep hoping for the change in love that we never got from parents.

After everything you've learned about toxic parents, how likely do you think it is that they will one day see their kids' perspective and change for the better? Never. At least not mine. The thing about toxicity that I that I've learned about, whether it was through Susan Forward or Scott Peck or whoever, is that they inherently view themselves above reproach. Which allows them to numb themselves to the things that they do to people and the consequences that their actions have, which allows them to continue to be more and more of who they are. I also believe that all of the character disorders are progressive. In that they practice these behaviors every day, all day, and they become better and better at doing that.

And so, I don't think that they change. In fact, insurance carriers will not cover the treatment of any of the character disorders, cuz they are considered uncurable. So, I just don't think the real patient ever really gets treated. I hands-down treat very healthy people. Try by any measure that they can to deal better with the toxic people in their lives. Should teenagers be in therapy? If they need it, yeah. Gosh, yeah. I I don't know I look back without having Candy, I that was a a crossroads for me. You know, I had suicidal thoughts by the time I was in fifth grade. Um and then more suicidal thoughts around 15.

Um angry at myself that I'd be too scared to actually do it, to be honest. Um but I did need the therapy and I needed a different adult in my life to sort of stabilize my situation. And I think there's remarkable parents out there. My daughter started therapy 2 years ago. And it's been wonderful for her and it's been wonderful for me uh because my daughter has another ally out there other than just me, another voice um who's going to be far more objective than I'm going to be for her. I love her too much to have full objectivity. Um and I'm okay with that. I want that woman in her life to not be fully objective with her.

Uh I love that she's in therapy. And I do think if you really feel like your kid is struggling or or really needs it, they're going to actually be more open with someone else than you. And that's not a betrayal of you. You know, your kids are going to want to protect you from the things in themselves that they themselves are afraid of. And so if they have a therapist on hand, then I think that there's an ally that they don't worry about scaring. So yeah, I think it'd be wonderful all teenagers could be in therapy if families could afford it. Absolutely. My trauma has been one of my greatest gifts in developing my emotional intelligence.

And leading me into a life that I absolutely love. And I have a deeper sense of self-awareness than people with less trauma. And I wouldn't trade it now. But as a teenager, it's hard to see into the future like that. I would just tell him just hold on. Hold on. Read Jonathan Livingston Seagull. Where did you find the strength as a teenager dealing with incredible abuse at home? Where did you find the strength to keep going? I don't think I did. It wasn't strength that kept me going. I don't think my trauma made me stronger. I think it almost killed me. Um too afraid to hurt myself.

It just didn't make me stronger. It doesn't make me stronger today. I've become strong in other ways for other reasons, but therapy really did help me. then what he did help. I didn't have any strength. I was the weakest person you could ever meet. Is that the answer then? Just keep walking. One step in front of the other. One day at a time. Cuz it's like walking through mud. Cuz your your life isn't going to change. I hope. Um but if you have strategies to cope um I did a lot of avoidance. Like I would drown myself in books instead of getting all A's at school.

But I'm reading more books than anybody else. It like took me on a vacation from my house and I read a lot of Danielle Steel and there's a lot of love in those books. Um I read a lot of Richard Bach once I was in therapy. And I did escape a lot and I left my house a lot. I was out all the time. Um walking, listening to music. Music was another major form of therapy for me. Sometimes music could speak the words to my feelings that I didn't have yet. And music got me through. Like if I hear music from that time, it will just it's like transports me back to that place. You know, I rode my bike a lot. I did a lot of stuff that I didn't make me feel free.

And I think sports also really helpful for me. Movement has been medicinal for me cuz I had um in school with ADHD I felt like I was a Ferrari parked but ready. And I wasn't allowed to drive anywhere. And it was just I would get angry at myself that my legs were bouncing or I couldn't sit still or I wasn't interested in the class. Um and then I'd get, you know, called a loser at home and so I would just say just keep going. Find some outlets for you. If it's a book, if it's athletics or whatever it is, distractions. Dive into those. They'll float you.

And you'll be free soon.